Spiral Upwards

There’s a lot to be said for that person who can identify when someone else is hurting. That person who can recognize a look of distress even when it is artfully disguised. Who knows that someone else is on the verge of breaking down or falling apart just by truly looking into their eyes.

In reality little can be hidden behind the eyes more so all is often revealed. There are times when you may feel on the precipice of losing hold of yourself and then a simple, quiet, subtle gesture acts like super glue and quickly secures you together in a albeit temporary but none the less effective way. Giving a reprieve to anguish, a rest from sorrow, lightening heartache and adding brightness to a gloomy day.

Being someone who has a destructive habit of being punishingly hard on myself there are times when a day can feel like a tomb. Trapping you in place by an encasing stone weight, bearing down with the force of a millennium of creation and a powerful determination to grind you into the depths of your inner most darkness. It might be a very little thing that begins it all but on some, particular and inexplicable days that little things grows into a mountain from which a boulder is released to chase you down a spiralling hill, into a self-pitying pit of personally inflicted, externally triggered pain. That little thing is now no longer so little, it grows and builds upon itself, takes on a life of its own, breathing and feeding on the emotion it itself conjures. It overwhelms and encapsulates your everyday until all you see is the inside of this dust cloud left in the wake of a bubble rousing downward journey leaving you blind to the beyond.

I don’t know why I let this happen; I also simultaneously don’t think there is a why. There is simply a possessive and inexplicable situation.  I don’t choose it, I can’t also rightly say it chooses me; it is more of an occurrence that is borne from spontaneity and unpredictable circumstance that happens to fall upon me. Illogical threads connect the instigator to the outcome, the tipping point to the free fall. I find that there is no satisfying explanation to this phenomenon. Just the reality of its existence.

Personally for me it is a shadow that from time to time, when the light is most direct fuses with my body, is no longer elongated away but completely a part. At such a time this haze is in full possession, no longer at a safe distance from that which it can only ordinarily follow. It is master and leader, reducing usually strong will and positive emotion to follower, submissive and broken spirited servant.

During this time, length and duration of the darkness is not dependent upon any parameter of time but rather upon a combination of uncontrollable, by the suffer, elements that collectively contribute to a situation that can seem hopeless but is in fact far from. It may seem impossible to fathom such an outrageous accusation however it is in all honestly a truth that can be with time craved deep into that stone that sought to oppress, becoming a memorial to its defeat and a reminder that we can set in stone what we choose and not let stone set us still.

This subjection can act as a revealing entity, it is consuming and destructive to be sure, hurtful and debilitating but also in an intensely contradictory way illuminating, unintentionally acting as a means by wish to compare all else and see clearly, bring to focus the good outside of the temporarily surrounding gloom. This turbulent storm has no choice but to disperse when its hold can no longer be maintained and it is inevitable that it cannot be maintained. It is by nature doomed to be transient, unrootable, a parasite. Like all abhorrent creatures it cannot survive without attention and with the application of sufficient opposing force its grip can be disengaged.

There is an outside world beyond the darkness. However before escape can be made it needs first to be acknowledged that this sadness and uninvited, undesired struggle is as real and true as the sky is blue. We cannot be afraid to speak about this silent suffocating occurrence, it needs to be addressed and brought to light, you need be present and aware that this is something that is effecting you. You need to let others in, let them help banish the darkness and bring back the light your life and spirit is so deserving of. Let yourself feel the pain to become free of it. You are not alone.Personally, I find the only true catharsis to have any effect when I begin to feel a gathering gloom is by an ever varying selection of mediums, expressing myself. Whether it may be by writing, reading, dancing, talking to those close to me or just walking with an open mind to the world around, it helps me like nothing else. Whatever it may be for you, find it and use it. Don’t let it consume you, take hold of your life and look far into the distance beyond what is just immediately before you.

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