It has been an emotional few days. I completed my exams, results pending so there is still some background anxiety but for the most part the last few days have been celebratory. They have also can’t be denied that they have been poignantly nostalgic and gut wrenchingly sad as so much change is impending, uncertainty awaiting and close friends dissipating to varying corners of the globe. I still think nearly three days after finishing that my emotions have not caught up with the situation. My mind seems to be stuck on distraction, creating and utilizing every opportunity so as to not focus on the reality of what it means to be finished. Saying goodbye to friends, I knew mentally how significant it was and emotionally I was aware of how much of an impact the situation was having on me. All this I knew but still in those moments of goodbye I was numb, uncomfortable and definitely in severe denial. I am still now as I think of those goodbyes still not fully in acceptance of the fact that there is a real uncertainty surrounding when I will get to see them again. It is a heartbreaking feeling, one that puts my mind in a whirl of memoires and good time shared, further tugging at the feeling of loss resulting from this forced separation.
Packing up my apartment, preparing to move out, turning the key on an empty room and walking away from my home for the past four years doesn’t seem real. My mind is so stuck on the routine it has adopted its not quite letting me alter it to fit the present circumstance of upheaval and change. Naturally it was instantaneous upon exam completion that the questions of ‘What’s next?’ began. My answer still is unclear, driven my emotion but lacking direction. Maybe it is me but I’m stuck, I know what I am good at after my degree, where my interest is and the direction I think I want to follow, but I am so paralyzed as to how to do it exactly. I have a lot of figuring out ahead of me and I eagerly await the day I can reply with something more than ‘the future?’. This all feels momentous and at the same time I know I am holding myself back, protecting myself from the full weight of what I am experiencing. It is intimidating, terrifying and tinged with excitement, the allure of possibility. For right now all I can do is pick up the remnants of my apartment, drive back to the city I originated from, back to my family and take some time. I think some time is needed for me to think clearly and not with a clouded and overloaded mind about where to go from here and how. I am very interested to see what I can come up with, what path I will follow next.
Here is a photo of the majority of my class gathered for one of the last time to celebrate a conclusion and also acknowledge each other and the fact that we have shared a four year long experience with each other and that is no small thing. There are bright and wonderful things ahead of these lovely women I am sure of it.
This now is a little look, poor picture quality I know, apologies but it still remains an accurate insight into the change in me visually from day to night on the day I finished. Celebrations raged for the last few days post completion of the month long ordeal that was finals. I know I have said it before but I adore make-up, on an everyday basis the amount I wear is totally dictated by my mood. There though is a good comparison between a typical basic day look I like and then a more dramatic version that I wore by added to the day look and amplifying it to make it a bit more suited to the nights atmosphere of mystery and fun. Make-up changes my mind set and also my mood so for me I tend to have drastically different looks from day to night as I approach these different portions of the day with a different attitude and also intent. It is most certainly the little girl in me that still longs to play dress up that guides the transformative process and I have no intention to change this any time soon. It makes me happy and so let the fun continue.