Hopeful Heartbreak

There is a shift within a memory,
a moment when a pleasurable horizon adopts a kind of sorrowful glimmer.
A building shiver erupts and travels, pulling a blanket of melancholy from toe to crown.
A sensation of consuming, overpowering heartbreak borne anew,
turmoil resurfaced, refreshed and exposed,
lived once more, amplified and felt more intensely.

Such a state has been made manifest by a type of heartache that both tenderly caresses and distresses an open heart.
Memories that tug at the most unuttered desires of your soul and coax out a smile by their remembrance alone.

When this exercise of reflection begins, glimpsing at what was stirs up excitement,
rekindles a passion not necessarily for the person bringing forth the vision but often more for a feeling shared and experienced.
Vibrant memories, colourful depictions of pain and passion.

As you sit, recall a moment, flashes of a feeling surface and take form.
A hand is raised to demurely to cover a sideways smile, eyes cast down you journey back,
drift to a place, a person, a sensation.

The chase and seduction, desire and adoration.
Feeling as though you were all and more,
centre and anchor, connected to one other,
intensely entwined, uniquely matched and suited, understood and valued.
Another sees you as you cannot see yourself,
utters words you longed to hear but once spoken still feel undeserving of,
this vulnerability is not seen as weakness, all you are they alone now know.

Each doubt and insecurity, each flaw and burden carried,
eased and shared, accepted without a letter expressed or heard aloud.
There is an understanding a silent communication a tethering tangible to behold.
A bond and beauty beyond the physical,
it is a powerful, heady sensation,
a feeling of ease and strength, risk and security.

In this memory, with this person,
adjectives are articulated with such conviction,
observations so simple and adoring making each fleeting moments unimaginably precious,
wishes made reality, fundamental desires fulfilled.
Inconspicuous gestures and embraces, barely detectable touches leaving the deepest impressions.
Lingering sensations of contact and attraction,
thoughtful words and an easy smile, memories that serve to beguile.

This time spent with another can never be lost or taken,
connections made created imprints too unyielding, forever a home found in the realm of daydreams,
that plain visited in pensive hours when thoughts drift to days long past,
tears may surface when instant joy shifts to more aching emotion,
reflection more substantial,
it is inescapable the entanglement of both emotions, pleasure and torment.
You and him, with and without.

Flashes of a life burn before you, bright and gleaming,
so strong and forceful you sink in deeper, surrender to the reminiscence,
breath taken from you, heartbeat heightened,
tears continue to tumble now unrestrained as the full sensual impact of the memory takes hold.

At this point all else is smothered, overcome and lost in the moment,
heat takes your body as sorrow cools your heart,
remembrance is a fearsome force.
it burns and soothes,
returns light to glittering joyous moments coupled with unavoidable shadows, balancing,
memories flame does not just dispel the darkness of time from that which makes you feel pure bliss,
it also surfaces the antithesis of glorious embrace,
the hollow hunger of what was and is no longer.

From this experience you emerge exhausted,
well travelled down roads worn by repetition.
It is a self inflicted heartbreak, a price paid to start the blaze,
agony accepted as payment for possibility,
looking back makes the future brighter, revives a strength and confidence.
A memory to act as reminder of the hope ahead of us.


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