“I am more than the limitations I’ve set for myself
More than what the world tells me I can be
I am not just this skin
Not just the things I do
What if fear didn’t control me
What if I didn’t let my past define me
What then would fill the space of where my fears lived?
I think knowingness would fill the space
I will love myself enough to chase these dreams
To jump for joy
To rise in love and fall right out of self hate
Because I was born
I was born to be great.”
I don’t know exactly where I came across this but it spoke to me none the less. It has been a while since I have written anything publically and this is due to the unrelenting nature of my private life currently. I have said before that I am like so many currently a struggling student, struggling in many different ways and at times struggling through situations that seem not only beyond control but also without hope.
This feeling has trapped me recently, a feeling of losing hope with a situation, of losing direction and being afraid. I will admit that I am struggling against myself to face the fear of the unknown of moving into a stage where what comes next is not planned out, is not certain and is surly to be a challenge. I am nearing the end of my final year of education and standing on the verge of being without a purpose. This is terrifying to me. Being in possession of so much drive and desire yet not knowing how to achieve what it is I am grasping at. It for me is almost a paralyzing feeling, debilitating and heart aching. I want to work and create change, have direction and use to others but I don’t know how to achieve this and for the first time in my life feel absolutely lost. I am not one to lose hope ever completely, I will always be a ‘it will all work out’ typical Irish girl but I do naturally falter and doubt every once in a while.
So many things hit at once at this time of the year in the final stages of a degree programme as Im sure many can attest. It is overwhelming, suffocating and can leave you feeling as my friend beautifully put to me the other day, like an over turned ladybird, legs beating the air, body rocking pushing against the world to right itself. Small and fragile are adjectives that can be ascribed to this state of mind. There is an ominous presence about completing a degree. A procress that has tested and tormented for years but also provided joy, friendship and security. The end of anything is an emotionally heavy event but particulary the end of something certain and sure that will lead to the possibility of endless opportunity sure but also a vast expanse of weighted unknown. ‘What do you plan to do after your exams?’. Honestly if I am asked this once more I may just start running and never stop. There seems to be this time limit ascribed to my present life, like the moment exams end I must immediately begin the next stage and enter the ‘real world’ as if my current life is all but a dream. Currrently in my opinion a mild nightmare but that may be the lack of sleep and endless deadlines talking yet heaven forbid I dare mention the actual work and pressure I am under to one of these questioning individuals as the response always seems to be one of defenseive ‘oh but dear you really don’t know how blessed you are in college, it must be fun being you lucky thing.’ I understand there are different responsibilities post college but please don’t for one moment imagine that being in and being committed to a degree is not intenstly difficult and deserves to be belittled. Surely one persons stuggles should never be in competition with anothers? We are all undergoing experiences unique and individual to ourselves. Anyway I have moved off topic, distracted by the seemingly endless slew of ignorance aimed at me as of late, there are good intentions migled too im not totally bitter just tired and in deperate need of some form of understanding.
Its this time of the years also that even your closest friends become shadows and all seem to be transformed into hermitted creatures pouring over staked scribbles, fingers clutching bottomless cups of coffee and days bleeding into night seamlessly, endlessly. Finding balance beyond the books is a difficult thing and a goal I am in desperate need of achieving quickly. Unfortunately the desire not to add to the stresses of others in the same situation as me conflicts with the need to vent and be distracted by those closest. This is a lonely time and I am not on steady ground but I am each day moving forward, maintaining a steady swing as I aim to chip away at the wall in front of me. Time seems to be both slowing and running out as the end of this term looms. But I know what needs to be done, what remains is only my fear and myself. I am the only one inhibiting my own progress. This feeling has kept me cradled in confusion for a while now but I am beginning to feel a change, feel a new wave of motivation. I have not given into the ease of accepting hopelessness, I will remind myself why I am doing this. I know my passions and as soon as I can fully reconnect to them I know I will be back on track.
Starting each day anew, taking deep breaths and reminding myself to keep my eyes open to the beauty that surrounds me I can achieve what lies ahead and conquer my fears. There is always hope, of this I am sure. For me it is through reminding myself to appreciate how blessed I am that reinforces my hope. Humility and appreciation that although what I am experiencing is right now difficult there are far more severe struggles beyond the luxury of my life. This collection of thoughts, this almost self directed post may seem unfocused and conflicting but sometimes it takes putting thoughts into character form sprawling them out in front of you, filling a screen, giving them life and the power not to be ignored that allows you to release burdens and start moving again. This is my hope.