A few words one night

Life can be a tumultuous thing, a tormenting beast at times but in moments of heightened emotion can come glimses of clarity.

A recent and painful evening provided such and experience. That night I felt what I felt, said what I needed to say and retired to my room exhausted to find my monologue unfinished. I wrote a poem in that moment and now I lay it out as it is, as it was written then, raw and honest.

What there is, what there could be.

Can’t you see me for who I am.
Not this figure I’ve become,
Not the symbol I pretend to be.
I’m not the person, the ideal ascribed to me.
I’m ordinary, I’m flawed, I’m broken and torn inside,
I hurt and I cry,
I shiver, vibrate, can’t quite enunciate how conflicted I feel
How much turmoil surrounds me,
Is attracted to me, seeks me.
I’ve become a beacon for those lost and broken things, those fragments of dreams, musings of realities, possibilities.
Yet there inside of me cowers secret hopes, all quelled by greater obligations,
Perceived and expected presentations
Unuttered responsibilities to blood and bond and tie.

And still I count my life one of positivity.
Oh I have the darkest of times, for moments are too fleeting a recital.
They can be chasms, consuming,
But there still burns this direction, this magnetism to those I am connected to and it may weigh and burn of duty and birth,
It still feels light.
Like the warmest possibility, the freshest morning, longest day, truest memory, sweetest embrace, deepest study into the purest soul,
That complete sense of rightness, of being Home.

There is a painful bliss I feel returning to that measured welcome,
I know I am wanted and honestly greeted with happiness
But the obvious need and silent work expected of me lurks.
In dark hours, conversations are spluttered
Then all mention left to cower in those precious honest hours.
I hate and yearn for those bitter battles
Where words pour and emotions soar, scars are healed or ripped anew
For you see no matter what is said, how we feel when at last we lay down to bed
Those demons, those swirling, clawing thoughts were exiled from our heads.

The bulk naturally spears towards me but I can bear it.
I have learnt and am grateful that I can listen.
This may be met by some confusion, I do interject, interrupt even but what I retort comes for a collection of thoughts born of fact and reiteration.
This recitation becomes I have found a stepping stone,
A stronger force than volume or vitriol or the best intended passion.
Simply listen and quiet the conversation
Calm the pace and soothe the excitation
With time I’ve learnt the only bliss I can muster comes from an exhaled surrender
An eyes closed, hand on heart unashamed fall into the present.
An open armed acceptance of juxtaposition opinions.
It takes courage to release the past and genuinely restrain from reliving and reopening old hurts.
Yes feel them, weep for them, let them fuel you but don’t let them drive you or become weapons against those closest to you.

We are all more than we appear
More intelligent, more unique, more wounded, more troubled, more anxious, more driven
It is our nature to want, to desire, to dream
And this is not a dirty thing, a sin to be unspoken, shamed and repressed,
It is a fundamental part of each and every one of us.

Embrace the now, please sit a moment in the present, and let the gleaming, pulling, pulsing gems of tomorrow wait a minute.
Exhale, close your eyes and still yourself
Feel your place on this earth
The electric presence of your being
You are magnificent.

We may be battle worn, contorted, off course, deeply troubled, hurt.
But we are here
We are radiant
We are strong.
I am me.
I appreciate how small a gesture that may seem but the most minimal if sincere gesture can excite more profound a realization than any overly eloquent declaration,
I don’t have words of wisdom only humble admittances of flaws and fragility
Acknowledgements of lifes ebb and flow
We are what we are and what we are is not static
Life is ever changing, evolving and unfolding before us
If we let it, if we allow ourselves, if we embrace what lies ahead and feel the joy of the unknown
There is a world of endless possibilities and attainable opportunities
We are lucky, we are blessed, we have everything ahead of us.


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